Let's forget we're brothers
counting in the night
your morning mouth a
black apple burning.
Let's forget we're brothers
boxing at my wedding
women dust their yellow dance
on a gleaming new boat.
Let's forget we're brothers
and detonate in truckbeds,
before the dark cape
sends the wind against us
with its chalkboard suns
and its suicidal shrimp
Let's forget to ask
who dialed away those
concrete-doorstep Sundays
you took my hand on
hammocked dreams,
corrugated green,
through the bragging trees
Let's forget
the heirlooms
I've drowned:
the lime twig
Dad's nugget
your spine
5 comments:
I can enjoy this!
This is better than the version I read in April, yes, yes.
But!
I don't like the closing two, they don't fit, the seams don't align with the shoulders, change is falling out of the pockets.
Besides that, good show.
Let's forget to ask
who dialed away those
concrete-doorstep Sundays
you took my hand on
hammocked dreams,
corrugated green,
through the bragging trees,
thats way too strong for the finish comming after it...and it also makes less strong lines stick out like
"counting in the night" , on a second read.
that stanza is great though...really triple word score.
ditto...
hammocked dreams,
corrugated green,
through the bragging trees
scrumtrulescent
I agree with Brian - the 4th is the strongest. black apple burning: great line! Left me reclining on an I-beam in your sky sounds a bit sing-songy for the end to me, but perhaps elsewhere? I am on the fence with the repetition - it makes it very melodic, but maybe I'm used to your punchier language. On a 3rd read, look at the word "dust" in second stanza - it clashes a bit with the rest of -ing of the stanza, but not really a big deal. I'd keep it consistent, or maybe I'm missing something. Really strong poem though. Kudos!
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