City sweats his ass off
in two-hand touch
with a beehive that poolcues
straight for my groin
where his enemies live.
City get his hands red
as he builds wooden things
strong peony breath columns.
But who will use them?
the factory the school?
the holy spirit of life?
City grabs a beer,
his dimpled ashes
of rotting palms,
City has been snoozing
back at the landfill,
City is sifting
his sweat in the sun,
City's in the batting cage
rhyming his strokes.
7 comments:
i like the addition..snoozing, back to the landfill..very punchy. and dimpled ashes, and palms...how lenten! ...its all very different, beehive is a nice touch too...
i need to think about the linebreaks a bit more, ill get back to you on that....i suppose its just preference, i tend to believe, or like to believe that while every line doesnt need to stand alone as a cogent phase or sentence (cause end stops can be lame), they should still be able to stand as an image, so that it leaves the reader with something to chew on until the next line....
dimpled ashes can hang on its own..its strong, its new, its nice...peony breath, same deal...im not sold on "i build wooden" maybe "i build wooden things/strong peony breath" (i know you used to have this or something similar...but maybe its got more image-ocity..
ill sleep on it..
i like this one though..good start
I like this Loren. In particular, things that stood out to me: "two-hand touch with a beehive"; "poolcues round"-- which, as I read it, is a wild verb that I can't visualize but I know exactly what it means--"peony breath." Also I really like "logic is snoozing back to the landfill" because snoozing reminds me of doozing which is what I believe is the correct verb to describe the action of a bulldozer (I made that up).
I'll come up with something more constructive to say when my brain is not dead from ten hours of work.
As always, thanks dudes. You rock.
They really need an edit-comment option on this mofo.
Brian--linebreaks are something that still bug me a whole lot. Sometimes I have nightmares that I'm in the showers at high school again and linebreaks have taken my clothes and towel, and are huddled in the corner, waiting to laugh at me. Your idea is an interesting one, and I'm gonna try it out to see what happens. I'm still a little stuck on the Robert Creeley Ocular Through-Motion Dynamite Enjambment Meltdown Mayhem Device, and for no good reason. It's a little old, so I'm going to leave it where I found it for now (like that no-good drifter Black Dice!). I mean, the deal is, I DO think that every line needs to stand alone in SOME way, but which? That's something to research.
Now I'm going to begin my habitual-Friday-wandering-around/ staring-at-the-ceiling/ mumbling-about-the-I-Ching behavior pattern. Fo rizzle.
And Kate--totally! I actually envision a bulldozer snoozing on a big garbage scow, inflating and deflating gently as it snores.
Hey...can I have some money?
i tend to agree, enjambment rocks...
but its interesting what you asked, 'which way must lines stand on their own?', i suppose its just a feel thing...like braille, or making caramels...you kinda just gotta feel your way through until you're sure its right...or delicious...
the snoozing dozer reminds me of a tony hoagland poem, the cement truck...where its a rhino with a cement filled anus....meat balloon farmer
word
--Blak Dice
I'd give you money loren except I won't.
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